Stupid and Weird Stuff in the Bible
2004


This page is under construction, and currently in outline form (for your enjoyment).

Introduction

Let's face it. The bible is really goofy sometimes. There are some passages in it that make me laugh out loud, and make me wonder, "Who the hell wrote this crap?" Maybe it is all just a big joke after all. Who knows. I thought I would share some of the sillier biblical verses to lighten your day.

 

There is a story where the Israelites are instructed to cover up their feces outside their encampment, because Almighty God was inclined to stroll around at night, and he didn't want to step in any poo. This is really funny...

 

Moses was going to walk through a mountain pass with God, and God thought Moses might see His face, so he covered Moses' eyes with His Holy Hand as He passed, but it was okay that Moses saw His Holy Backside. Now that's really dumb.

 

The story about Jesus cursing a fig tree for not producing figs when he was hungry is really stupid. First of all, if Jesus can cure the dead, he can cure his own hunger. Second, if he wanted figs on the damn fig tree, he could have made them (he made the fishes and loaves, remember?). Thirdly, why curse a fig tree?? What good did that do? It whithered up (the Gospels disagree as to when, however). Why not just kick it, or pull it out of the ground... or, why not just realize that it's not fig season?? What a dumbass!

 

The bible mentions unicorns, satyrs (men with goat legs), cockatrices (rooster-serpents that kill when looked upon) and a race of Giants (they survived the Great Flood, because they appear both before and after it. I guess Noah made room for them on the Ark). The bible talks about these mythical creatures not in the mythical sense, but in the real sense, mentioning them right alongside real animals. That's really childish.

 

The story of the Tower of Babel is really stupid. To think that men would really, honestly try to build a tower to reach heaven... well that is clearly mythology to start with. And then to think that God would be so concerned about it as to mess up their languages is just too strange. It's a pathetic attempt to explain the origin of languages by the primitive and the ignorant.

 

After God creates Adam, they look amongst all the animals to find a suitable mate for Adam, but they are unsuccessful. I can just imagine that scene. That's too stupid for words.

 

The devil trying to get God to worship him by bribing him with the earth has got to be one of my alltime favorite stupid stories of the bible. That so dumb it gets its own article.

The Second Book of Chronicles, chapter 13 verse 17, contains the incredible statement that 500,000 Israelites were slain in a single battle. This is simplly unbelieveable. This is more than were lost in any single battle of World War II, and even exceeds the number of deaths that resulted from the dropping of the atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. The greatest single battle of the Civil War was at Gettysburg, and the defeated army had 28,000 casualties (that includes both the wounded and the dead). Both sides together had approximately 51,000 wounded or dead. The actual number of those killed in action during the entire Civil War (1861-1865) was 110,100 for the Union and 94,000 for the Confederacy. Now, who can believe that 500,000 Israelites were slain in a single battle?

 

Mark 16
1When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. 2Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" Okay girls... really dumb. Do you really expect us to believe that they went there without thinking about who would move the boulder?

 

Jesus driving pigs into the sea, after infecting them with "demons"... really, really dumb. How could these devils be killed this way? Why would such a dramatic production be necessary?

 

The whole story of Noah and his Flood is just too stupid and childish to take seriously, even when I was a Christian.

 

JG 19:22-29 A group of sexual depraved men beat on the door of an old man's house demanding that he turn over to them a male house guest. Instead, the old man offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine (or wife): "Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine; let me bring them out now. Ravish them and do with them what seems good to you; but against this man do not do so vile a thing." The man's concubine is ravished and dies. The man then cuts her body into twelve pieces and sends one piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

 

SA 18:27 So that David might be allowed to marry the king's daughter, the king asks David to bring him 100 Philistine foreskins. David, the over-achiever, brings the king not 100, but 200, foreskins of murdered Philistines.

 

KI 18:27, IS 36:12 (KJV) "... eat their own dung and drink their own piss."
Yuck!

 

SO 2:3 "I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
I think I saw that one once-- it was "Deep Throat".

 

SO 5:4 (KJV) "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."
Whoa, nelly. I don't even want to know...

 

SO 7:7-9 "You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine ...."
Does anyone have a kleenex?

 

EZ 4:15 (KJV) "... I have given thee cows dung for mans dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith."
Those who admire Ezekiel should be compelled to dine with him...

 

EZ 23:20-21 (NIV) There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

 

EX 17:14 God says that he will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek.
DT 25:19 "... you shall blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven; you must not forget."
(That remembrance is now permanently preserved in the Bible.)

 

1KI 6:2, 2CH 3:3 Solomon's temple was only about ninety feet long by thirty feet wide, yet: 153,300 persons were employed to build it (1KI 5:15-16), it took seven years to build (1KI 6:38), about 7,500,000 lbs. of gold and about 75,000,000 lbs. of silver were used (1CH 22:14). 24,000 supervisors (1CH 23:4) and 6,000 officials and judges were employed to manage it.
(Note: Inasmuch as there seems to be uncertainty as to the exact weight of the biblical talent, some estimates place the weight of gold at more than 13,000,000 lbs. and the weight of silver at more than 116,000,000 lbs.).
This is just crap, thrown in there so that the followers of Solomon could brag about how wealthy they were.

 

The early Christian Church practiced a form of communism. People joining the Church were required to give all of their possessions to Church leaders. If they failed to do this, and kept some back for themselves, they would be murdered. This is documented in Acts of the Apostles.

 

A war in Heaven where neither side could be injured or killed... that's dumb.

 

The Garden of Eden must still be on earth, guarded by angels with fiery swords. And the serpent must still be crawling around on the ground eating dust.